When “Exhausted” Becomes Your Love Language
I had a client who was in family and couples therapy with other therapists. He felt worn down, tired, and unfulfilled. He said he used to feel like a partner with his wife. When he came to me, he came across as an employee working for a high-stakes logistics operation. Before kids, sex and intimacy felt effortless; after, the conversation often started and ended with, “I’m too tired.”
This pattern is the Intimacy Drain, one of the most common yet least discussed challenges couples face after having children. The exhaustion, the scheduling chaos, and the shift in identity can turn your love life into another line item on the to-do list, which is why it often gets skipped.
At Andrew Robertson Therapy, I work with individuals and couples to understand that the goal isn’t to go back to “before kids.” The goal is to build a new kind of intimacy that is sustainable, intentional, and flexible for the reality of modern parenting.
All too often, in couples therapy, the focus is on improving communication and emotional intimacy. Although these are important foundational goals, therapy is more complete when physical intimacy is also addressed. The key to reviving your sex life isn’t finding more time; it’s changing how you think about desire, energy, and connection.
The Myth of Spontaneous Desire (And Why It Fails Parents)
Before kids, you likely operated on spontaneous desire; sex started with a burst of physical longing. After kids, your energy is depleted, and that spontaneous switch rarely flips. Waiting for it is a recipe for a sexless marriage.
The Shift: Embrace Responsive Desire
- Responsive Desire is the experience of desire arriving after intimacy or touch has already begun. You don’t start wanting sex; you start wanting connection, and the desire follows.
- Action Step: Shift your focus from sex to connection. Start with low-pressure, non-sexual touch, including a daily six-second kiss, a lingering hand on the small of the back, or five minutes of cuddling after the lights go out. These interactions rebuild the baseline of physical safety and pleasure, making responsive desire possible.
Separate “Partner” from “Parent” (The Identity Shift)
Parenting consumes your identity. For many, the brain shifts into “Manager Mode” or “Caregiver Mode” 24/7, making it hard to switch into “Lover Mode.”
The Shift: Create Rituals for Reclaiming Identity
- The Problem: Trying to jump directly from negotiating bedtime routines to engaging in intimacy is nearly impossible. The “Parent Brain” is hypervigilant and stress-ridden.
- The Solution: Build small Rituals of Transition. These rituals could be a 30-minute window after the kids are asleep, during which phones are put away, music is turned on, and you both actively talk about something non-kid-related (a hobby, a goal, a current event). These rituals signal your brain that the “Partner” identity is being activated.
- The Schedule: Yes, you need to schedule sex. Scheduling doesn’t kill desire; it honors commitment. Knowing intimacy is protected allows both partners to manage energy and look forward to the connection, reducing the stress of uncertainty.
3. Re-Negotiate the Division of Labor (The Resentment Killer)
Resentment is the number one libido killer, and it is usually fueled by an imbalance in the division of labor (or the invisible “mental load” of parenting). If one partner feels they are carrying the bulk of the domestic or emotional burden, they will not feel safe or energized enough to be sexually intimate.
The Shift: Fair Play and Emotional Equity
- The Problem: The partner who feels responsible for more of the invisible labor is often too physically and emotionally drained to desire sex. No amount of date night will fix a resentment born in the laundry room or the pediatrician’s office.
- The Solution: Have a frank, non-defensive discussion about the “emotional burden.” Use a shared checklist or app to visualize and distribute the mental load (e.g., who handles school communication and who tracks maintenance appointments). Equality in labor often translates directly to equity in desire. When both partners feel seen and supported in their daily stress, the desire to connect returns.
Prioritize “Good Enough” Intimacy
Parents often hold themselves to an impossible standard for sex: it must be high-energy, spontaneous, and lead to orgasm. When you’re exhausted, this perfectionism makes intimacy feel like another chore you’ll fail at.
The Shift: Embrace Micro-Intimacy
- The Goal: Intimacy is about connection, not achievement. A five-minute make-out session, focused sensual touching without intercourse, or even a deeply connected conversation while naked, counts as intimacy.
- Lower the Barrier: Agree that intimacy is anything that brings you closer. If you are too tired for sex, commit to simply holding each other naked for two minutes. These acts ensure that the thread of physical connection is never fully broken, making it easier to return to a deeper sexual connection later.
Conclusion: Building a Sustainable Love Life
Maintaining a sexual connection after kids requires honesty, intentionality, and compassion for the stress you are both under. By moving away from the myth of spontaneous desire and actively managing resentment and shifting your identity, you can build an intimate life that is healthier, deeper, and more fulfilling than it was before you became parents.
Andrew Robertson, AMFT# 158068 (under the supervision of Melissa Volchock, LMFT #120203), specializes in Couples Therapy, Men’s Issues, and Intimacy Coaching for couples navigating major life transitions, such as parenthood. He provides a non-judgmental, practical space for couples in Woodland Hills and via telehealth throughout California.
